Itachi the musical
by Reanult
Summary: One day you're just going along minding your own business...and well this fic happened to you.


Disclaimer: I do not own this

Warning: Seriously I write shonen ai if that isn't your thing best not to start reading it, at this point it' just general crack.

A/N: This was supposed to be a one shot, and it ends in a way that it still could be…kicks story and breaks a toe

It was one of those rare evenings for Itachi, one of those evenings where he didn't have a mission, and the weather was pleasant enough that he didn't feel like wandering the dank halls of the Akatsuki base. It was just his luck that Kisame had the same feeling -- or rather, just Kisame's luck that the Uchiha had nothing else to do, and no particular desire to be alone.

Kisame had tried to ditch him twice now, but Itachi was having none of it -- in all actuality… the events that followed that evening were no one's fault but his own…

This Village it seemed, had a rather large entertainment district… sandwich board littered the paved sidewalks, and bright flashing signs strove to capture the attention of the people milling through the streets. Everything from ramen stands to theatre's were all advertising their wares… it was rather pathetic really.

"Oi, Itachi, are you going to follow me around all night? I kinda got plans… plans that would work out a lot better if you we--"

_Weren't there…_

Yep, they'd mined this particular hump in their long-standing partnership before. It was an unspoken deal, Itachi bore with a non-homicidal patience towards Kisame's tendency towards pranks; and in return, Kisame bore with a non-homicidal patience to Itachi's occasional bought of little-brother-like clinginess. It would have been too much work to say all of that aloud, so he just settled for meaningful blank stare #1.

Kisame wasn't even looking at him, his eyes were wide and his jaw was hanging slack as he stared at the marquee for some mid-sized theater. He looked up at the flashing sighs over head, it wasn't the biggest or the brightest on the street with subdued white lights that outlined the name, _'The Pier's End'_ Presents… It--

"HEY ITACHI! Look over there -- DANGO! Their sign says that they have the best DANGO in the DANG on Country… ha ha ha - Let's go try some!" Kisame said, a little too enthusiastically for Itachi's full comfort. He glared up at his now too close partner and leaned to look around him; Kisame just gave him that wide shark grin and leaned with him. "Let's go, ne?" He asked (demanded), and grabbed Itachi's shoulders and turned him in the physical direction of the tea house (with the best dang on dango in the Country. Ha ha ha, sorry, just wanted to write that again… --; I swear I'm done with it now.)

Now he knew something was up. Firmly planting his feet, Itachi tilted his head back until he was staring directly up at the suspiciously smiling face staring down at him. Kisame still had not released his arms, where he was now pinning them to his sides, and all but pushing Itachi towards the tea house…

"Kisame." He said coolly, making the name sound very much like some sort of threat, as he slipped his arms inside of the solid black cloak (for once free of the red clouds they were off duty you know.)

"I bet it is the best dango too Itachi-san, you KNOW how you love dango!"

"Kisame…" His name said a second time was the only warning that the shark-nin got before Itachi slipped out of the cloak and Kisame's grasp (faster than you can, 'Itachi' means 'weasel'. Damn, did his parents hate him or what…? Okay, faster than a weasel even.). Kisame blinked down at the black cloak in his hands, then with a wince up towards the former occupant of said cloak, who was currently staring at the flashing sign.

"Kisame."

Kisame coughed and took a cautious step backwards, Itachi's face was now completely blank, but his chakra was screaming: _'I am going to make the wholesale slaughter of my clan look like a dinner time spat over who ate the last egg roll in three seconds.'_

"Ahhhh…. Yes Itachi-san?"

"What does that sign say?" He asked, not looking at Kisame.

Kisame really didn't want to tell him what the sign said. "Erm… well Itachi-san, it says… erm… ha ha ha… Itachi. Isn't that funny?! Must be about that Itachi we met in the Village Hidden in the… um…" Kisame quickly looked around the street for something -- anything he could use, his eyes landed on a little girl with a lollipop, "Grape… Lollipop." Damn. He was a bad liar.

Itachi finally turned that blank stare on him, "Itachi from the Village Hidden in the Grape Lollipop."

"Yea… don't you remember? They were the ones with that little swirly circle with the lines-"

"There is no Hidden Village of the Grape Lollipop."

Somewhere on the other side of the world, a man wearing long white robes and a boat-shaped hat, the front of which was dyed a deep purple; an image of a swirly sugar confection stamped down on it, sighed in depression, through his village was prosporous and full of life, his jounin drank considerably more than average ninja and seemed to ba angry with him for some reason. He sneezed, wondering if he was coming down with a cold…

Kisame wanted to argue the point, but… "It's probably some other Itach-"

"Itachi the musical. See the man behind the gruesome slaying of his entire clan -- and unexpected sparing of his younger brother, in this spectacular emotional music-filled journey through his life."

Sometimes Kisame forgot how fast Itachi could move when he felt like it… he was now standing inches away from the poster that had captured Kisame's attention. He gave it up at that point, this poster displayed a very well-drawn side view of Itachi. He guessed it was supposed to be Itachi… all you could really see over the high collar of the black cloak, and beneath the large straw hat, an inch thick triangle of pale skin and a raven ponytail that was a bit too long to be accurate, hanging over his shoulder. One purple-nailed hand was splayed over the rim of the hat as though he were about to remove it.

Two seconds later, he was being dragged inside the dimmed front lobby of the theatre passed a suddenly glazed-eyes attendant who thanked them for coming. Down a flight of wooden stairs, and then thrust into a seat in the back of the theatre.

Kisame blinked once, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness… it was bigger than it looked from the outside. There were about 500 seats in total, and 90 of them were filled. There was even a small balcony close to the stage.

Itachi had positioned them in the very last row in the far left corner of the room, where the shadows were the thickest--and the people were the fewest. "Ne… Itachi-san are you sure you want to do this? Leader-sama is real strict on the no-killing-near-the-base-thing…"

"…This could be a potential breech of security."

Geez, that was weak. And by the increased blankness of Itachi's already blank expression, he knew it as well.

"Right, in that case…" Kisame quickly put his hands together and formed several seals in quick succession.

"What are you-" Itachi's eyes widened as he recognized the jutsu, "No-" It was too late, Kisame had already connected.

Deidara carefully placed the last card on the top of his card house… well, it wasn't really a house per say… more like a card mansion with fifty-eight rooms, twenty of which were bathrooms, with working clay plumbing, a rock garden, and an outdoor bath in the center court. He had created little clay people who were currently waiting impatiently outside the front door of the club house for him to finish up.

The hologram of Kisame popped into existence right on top of his carefully constructed rock (exploding clay) garden.

"Kisame you moron, un!"

Hologram!Kisame looked down at the sprawling structure that took up half of Deidara's room. "Bored are we?"

"What gave it away,un?" Deidara sighed, and gestured for his clay people to go for it. One of them jumped up and down for a moment and then ran inside of the mansion.

Okay, at least you aren't blowing things up. Come to the village, a theater called 'The Pier's End' Itachi and I have discovered a potential -compromise to base security -" Hologram-Kisame looked to the left suddenly and jerked like someone had hit him. "Who else has returned?"

Deidara arched a blond brow, "Everyone but Zetsu."

Kisame's face broke into a huge grin, "Great. Bring everyone…" And almost as an (evil) after thought, "Especially Tobi… OW! Itachi dam--" the hologram disappeared on Kisame, cursing at his partner.

Deidara shrugged, and looked down at his clay people clay!Deidara was spinning around in a circle in the middle of the rock garden. Sheesh were'd he go wrong with that one un. Sasori and his own original character Koko, (who had a bright future as a kage, of some as yet unknown village was a super-special jounin with purple hair, a great sense of humor, and no mental imbalances whatsoever, outside of a complete ability to do everything perfect…) were currently relaxing in the outdoor bath -- and snuggling. Deidara pressed one finger down on the top of Koko's head and held her underwater until she stopped struggling. clay!Sasori looked confused, then climbed out of the water, and dragged Koko out after him. Leaving her on the side of the pool he went wandering through the mansion, clay!Deidara was still spinning around in a circle.

The real Deidara frowned as his mind settled on the problem at hand. Kisame hadn't looked too concerned about the situation. If anything, he'd looked _amused_.

Deidara sighed, "Ah well better safe than sorry un?" He rose to gather the other members of the Akatsuki. Only pausing once to sigh at SPECIALclay!Deidara, who had fallen down gotten back up and started spinning again.

Kisame turned back to his partner with a huge (_insincere_) apologetic smile on his face. "You know we have to report things like that, ne?"

Itachi wanted to kill him…but there was a policy against THAT as well within the stupid organization. And at this point it was a stupid organization. He turned the stage with an (internal) huff.

Kisame chuckled and just barely refrained from ruffling his hair… The lights dimmed then, and the audience grew quiet as a portly man with a curly-tipped moustache walked out onto the stage from the left, a single spot followed him to the center of the stage, the red curtain still closed behind him.

"Thank you everyone for joining us this evening, the show will commence shortly, by popular demand…"

Kisame heard Itachi repeat the phrase to himself, his voice was a perfect monotone. Kisame scanned the audience for any feel or sight of other shinobi, amusement aside he was still a seasoned nin—a seasoned missing nin at that therefore he always took the cautious(read paranoid) stance in any situation. Be it seemingly harmless or otherwise(insane)… the killing intent rolling off the otherwise passive ninja was just a bit too strong for his comfort. "Er… Itachi--"

"Hn." Which translated from Itachiese as: _'It's fine, shut up or you will die like the rest of these weaklings.'_

_Right_. He didn't need to be hn'ed twice.

Meanwhile the man continued to talk, "In the lobby after the show _'Itachi the musical' the_ _soundtrack_ will be on sale along with the posters and tee-shirts."

Kisame coughed into his hand, Itachi twitched.

"It is so wonderful to know that our little show has gained such a loyal following…"

Itachi twitched again and then purposely laid both hands on the armrests of his seat. Kisame coughed again, and buried his face in the neck of his shirt. _Oh man_, this was going to be a long night…

"Itachi the musical, un?" Deidara asked, appearing out of nowhere besides Kisame, catching both Kisame and Itachi off guard a testament to how distracted both of them were. Deidara settled down next to the shark-nin with a pleased grin on his face.

"Where is everyone else?"

Deidara leaned back into the seat, crossed his hands behind his head, "Leader-sama stayed at 'home'. Kakazu is sneaking in the back because he refuses to pay fifty bucks for a play. Hidan is in the middle of one of his rituals, and Tobi is looking for a concession stand.

"There isn't one here."

"Oh… really?" Deidara asked entirely too innocently.

Kisame just shook his head. Nevertheless, Tobi trotted into the theater toting a giant basket a moment later. Kisame sent out a flicker of chakra, and Tobi latched onto it immediately.

"Deidara-sempai, I couldn't find a concession stand and I wandered around everywhere and then I found this room in the back with all of this food, and these baskets, and no one was around so I brought you one!"

Deidara took the proffered cellophane-wrapped basket with a mumbled 'thank you'. Tobi nodded happily, his mask still in place.

"So… you like it?" Tobi sounded disbelieving; he'd only been trying for weeks to get the blond to acknowledge his existence in between homicide attempts on his person.

"Shush, it's starting." Kisame cut in before yet another one of those attempts could be made in a public place. At some point, _curly moustache man_ had left the stage. The soft soothing sound of a single violin began playing as the spotlight faded out and the curtains opened to reveal a dark-haired women sitting in a rocking chair besides a white bassinet.

The violin died down at the sound of a horribly mimicked baby crying, emitted from the bassinet. The women pushed raven-black hair over her shoulders and made cooing noises into the crib before lifting out a 'baby'. Considering how heavily wrapped it was in yellow cloth emblazoned with something he supposed was the Uchiha crest, he couldn't be sure, he'd only seen it that one time. Itachi's little brother interfered with their mission, and that was only for a few seconds before Itachi had the poor kid eating sheet rock. But he was pretty sure that the emblem wasn't pink and didn't have a heart in the middle of it…

The women had resettled into the rocking chair with the blanket, a milky spotlight had settled on her and the infant. She lifted her face to the ceiling, holding the 'baby' against her shoulder and it happened… the worst thing for Kisame's mental state at the time… she began to sing…

"_I pray you'll be his eyes, and watch him as he go's_

_And help him to be wise_

_In times when he won't know._

_Let this be my prayer,_

_When he loses his way._

_Guide him with your grace_

_To a place where he'll be safe…"_

You could almost _see_ the killing intent rolling off the Uchiha… Kisame started laughing and received a glare that would have made a demon piss himself.

Deidara tore the cellophane off his basket and stuffed the first thing he could get his hands on into his mouth. Unfortunately it was an orange… with the peeling still on it. He kept chewing with a determination that Kisame hadn't known he'd had.

"Wow… that's so beautiful Itachi-san, your--" Deidara, in a rare showing of compassion either for Tobi or Itachi (Kisame wasn't quite sure), planted a hand on Tobi's face and slammed the back of his head against the wall, continuing to chew his orange -- peel and all…

A lone figure with glowing white wings and gown with -- oh my GOD A HARP was lowered from the ceiling. The 'angel' extended a hand towards the women holding the infant and joined the song… Kisame glanced at Itachi out of the corner of his eye, when the 'angel' tossed golden dust (glitter) over the now quiet infant and its mother. Damn… he needed a drink…

"_And watch him from above_

_I hope each soul he finds…_

_Another soul to love._

_Let this be my prayer,_

_Just like every child_

_Needs to find a place,_

_Guide him with your grace,_

_Lead him to a place where he'll be safe…"_

On the last note, the gold dust (glitter) throwing angel ascended back to heaven… not before hitting his head on the ceiling lamp, cursing, and then getting spun around and ultimately losing a gold slipper to gravity, finally (mercifully)dragged back out of view upside down, revealed that he, indeed, was a _male_. The woman, despite it obviously not being part of the play continued bravely. Absently kicking the lost slipper beneath the yellow skirt of the bassinet, she kissed the 'baby Itachi' on the forehead and put him back into his crib, and then pulled a blanket over him.

"Sleep well my little weasel of love…" She sighed, and exited the stage humming the song she'd just finished singing. Kisame nearly busted a rib with his coughing fit. Deidara weezed something that sounded like weasel and love into the air before shoving another fruit into his mouth.

Tobi reached a hand under his mask and blew his nose… "I knew Itachi-san was special."

Kisame felt his eyes water… as the scene continued with a tall black haired man entering the room. He stood silently over the crib with a cruel smile on his lips. He wore all black with black painted nails and lips. The infant began crying once again… he smiled wider and unfortunately began to sing in a voice that echoed unnaturally. Something about introducing himself and being a man of wealth and taste…whatever.

Thankfully he didn't sing long, Kisame wasn't too keen on rupturing anything.

"Ohhh… he was scary wasn't he Deidara-sempai?"

Deidara made some kind of squeaky noise through his nose.

The lights went out completely for a moment, then they came back up on the woman, again, this time she was standing over a sink in the kitchen singing softly to herself as she did the dishes… a man walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. "Keiko…" He said by way of greeting.

Keiko nodded.

"Keiko?"

Itachi just twitched, and then glared in Kisame's direction, "Everything else from this farce you ignore, but mention the incorrectness of my mother's name?"

Kisame decided to be quiet. Deidara was gnawing on an apple like his life depended on it.

In fact, it probably did…

'Keiko' nodded, then resumed washing. A moment later, child!Itachi made his appearance on stage, and Kisame decided that life really was NOT fair.

"Kaasan! Tousan! It's so beautiful today! I had the bestest dream ever in ever!" 'Itachi' bounced on the heels of his feet, and Deidara was keening into his gift basket.

"Bestest!?" The blond managed to squeeze out before he muffled himself with a handful of grapes.

Kisame cleared his throat, felt the tears in his eyes swell to dangerous levels… it wasn't the dialogue that got him. It wasn't even the _chipper_ tone or the bouncing… though he did not know Itachi as a child he was fairly certain that the Uchiha never bounced or used the word 'bestest' in his entire life.

What had him on the verge of being murdered, was the fact that the actor playing the Uchiha was actually an _actress_… she'd even painted the two lines that framed the Uchiha's nose.

"You were such a cheerful child Itachi-san!"

"Shut up." Itachi hissed, much to the surprised of the other two ninja present…

"Did you now?" Keiko asked sweetly.

"Umhmmmmmm." Perky she-tachi said, hopping into a chair opposite her… er, his father.

"Dreams are for the weak, you do not have time for such foolishness." Itachi's father said sternly.

Kisame could feel the heat of Itachi's gathering chakra beside him. Finally, Itachi's mother turned around to face him, "Itachi-chan, would you like to go to the park today, just you and Kaachan, ne?"

Again with the bouncing and clapping. Kisame's throat was starting to hurt from all of the coughing.

"Rea---"

"No, the boy has to practice."

"But surely Ranma--"

"Ranma?" Deidara's voice was annoyingly high-pitched. He shoved another handful of grapes into his mouth.

Itachi looked pissed, it wasn't the fact that he was pissed that concerned Kisame. It was the fact that he had an expression on his face at all…

Kisame looked into the basket and spotted a few wrapped chocolates; he claimed them and handed them over to the fuming (somewhat externally) Uchiha…

Itachi glared at him, his eyes shining still (thankfully) black… glared at the chocolates, took them, and then turned back to the show.

Kisame did as well… God, did he wish he hadn't because (snort) Ranma had left the room with Itachi, one would assume to train. And she stood wiping the table with a dry towel, singing softly… a song that even managed to depress him a little…

"_Oh, another day has almost come and gone,_

_Can't imagine what else could go wrong…_

_Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door…"_

She dropped the rag, and wandered back to the sink, her eyes downcast the whole time…

Ranma's voice came from somewhere off-stage, echoed by she-tachi.

"Pathetic! Pathetic boy!"

"S-sorry Tousan -- I'll try harder!"

"_A single battle lost… but that's not the war…_

'_Cause tomorrows another day, and I'm getting thirst anyway…_

_So bring on the rain…"_

"Geez, what a downer… your mom is depressing me Itachi." Deidara said soberly.

Itachi glared at him… not stared at him blankly, he actually glared! Like_ I am waiting for you to spontaneously combust, do it now damn it_! Type of glare…

Deidara wisely shut up and turned back to the show.

"_Yeah, I might feel defeated, and I might hang my head…_

_I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead… no"_

For some reason, Kisame and Deidara tensed and focused on the stage with a new intensity… Itachi refused to notice.

Keiko turned away from the sink sharply and made her way to the center of the stage, the spotlight followed her and all other lights on the stage dimmed out, leaving her alone in the blackness. She raised one hand in a tight fist against her chest, and wrapped the other around her abdomen as he voice swelled in perfect time with the mournful guitar.

"_I'm NOT gonna let it get me down and I'm NOT gonna cry_

_And I'm NOT gonna lose any sleep tonight…._

_Cause tomorrows another day and I'm thirsty anyway…_

_So bring on the rain__…"_

"USELESS ITACHI!"

"I'm TRYING!"

"NOT ENOUGH!"

She looked in the direction of the window again and brought one hand to her mouth… as the music died, she-tachi screamed, and Keiko closed her eyes…she opened them again when the music crested…

"_tomorrow's another day and I am not afraid…_

_so bring on the rain… bring on the rain…"_

She carried the last note longer than Kisame felt was necessary… when the spotlight began to slowly dim and fade with her voice… there was applause from most of the audience and Tobi who, for whatever reason, was oblivious to the certain death Itachi was sending in his direction. Deidara jabbed two fingers into his kidney (not literally in the kidney) and he sat down again, or keeled over in pain… either way, he wasn't standing and making an ass of himself… or provoking Itachi's wrath …

First I would like to thank Pansk for making this as readable as possible, and to everyone actually reading this thank you are appreciated.


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